This Deformitie of Fashions

There is nothing whereby a man may more readily iudge of the inward disposition of the minde, then by the outward shew of apparell. Our words, our behauiours, and our outward attires, they are all tongues to proclaime the inward disposition, either of men or women: for there is no doubt but that a phantasticall attire is a plaine confirmation of a PHANTASTIKE MINDE. - Barnabe Rich, Irish Hubbub

****************************

And because this
continuall course and manner of writing or speech sheweth
the matter and disposition of the writers MINDE, more than one
or few words or sentences can shew, therefore there be that
haue called STILE, the image of man (MENTIS CHARACTER)
for man is but his minde, and as his minde is tempered
and qualified, so are his speeches and language at large,
and his inward conceits be the mettall of his MINDE, and his
manner of vtterance the very warp |&| woofe of his conceits,
more plaine, or busie and intricate, or otherwise affected
after the rate. -- Puttenham, Ch. V, 'Of Stile'

***************************


But if I had as many mouthes, as Argus had eyes, I should yet want words to expresse the foolerie of new fashions, the onely cloke whereby to patronize the franticke humors of this madding age, is the multitude of madde men that doth vse them, which now by custome are growne so familiar, being practised by the multitude, that if they were acted but by a few in number, I thinke that if they themselues did but stand by to behold them, they would account them to bee worse then madde, that did so much affect them: but yet in this DEFORMITIE of FASHIONS, it is commonly seene, that wise-men doe sometimes follow fooles.

(SNIP)

I saw foure young Roaring Boyes, that (I thinke) were new come from some Ordinarie, the one with a coloured feather in his hat; the other I marked well, had a long lowsie locke hung dangling by his eare, like a Derry Irish Glybei: the third was in a yellow starcht band, that made him to looke as if he had bin troubled with the yellow iaundis: the fourth had a short sword, like that which we were wont to call an Ale-house Dagger, and that was trussed close to his side with a scarfe; they were all foure in white bootes, and gilt spurres, and they were consulting as they went along, how they might spend the afternoone: The one gaue his verdict to go see a Play: - Barnabe Rich, Irish Hubbub


***********************************

Second Watchman

Call up the right master constable. We have here
recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that
ever was known in the commonwealth.

First Watchman

And one Deformed is one of them: I know him; a'
wears a lock.

*****************************


Fantastic \Fan*tas"tic\, a. [F. fantastique, fr. Gr. ???????????
able to represent, fr. ????????? to make visible. See
Fancy.]
1. Existing only in imagination; fanciful; imaginary; not
real; chimerical.

2. Having the nature of a phantom; unreal. --Shak.

3. Indulging the vagaries of imagination; whimsical; full of
absurd fancies; capricious; as, fantastic minds; a
fantastic mistress.

4. Resembling fantasies in irregularity, caprice, or
eccentricity; irregular; oddly shaped; grotesque.

There at the foot of yonder nodding beech, That
wreathes its old fantastic roots so high. --T. Gray.

Syn: Fanciful; imaginative; ideal; visionary; capricious;
chimerical; whimsical; queer. See Fanciful.

Fantastic \Fan*tas"tic\, n.
A person given to fantastic dress, manners, etc.; an
eccentric person; a fop. --Milton.

Our fantastics, who, having a fine watch, take all
ocasions to drow it out to be seen. --Fuller.

****************************
Phantasticall Oxford:
Gabriel Harvey,_Speculum Tuscanismi_

Since Galatea came in, and Tuscanism gan usurp,
Vanity above all: villainy next her, stateliness Empress.
No man but a minion, stout, lout, plain, swain, quoth a Lording:
No words but valorous, no works but womanish only.
For life Magnificoes, not a beck but glorious in show,
Indeed most frivolous, not a look but Tuscanish always.
His cringing side neck, eyes glancing, fisnamie smirking,
With forefinger kiss, and brave embrace to the footward.
Large-bellied Kodpeased doublet, unkodpeased half hose,
Straight to the dock like a shirt, and close to the britch like a diveling.
A little Apish flat couched fast to the pate like an oyster,
French Camarick ruffs, deep with a whiteness starched to the purpose.
Every one A per se A, his terms and braveries IN PRINT,
Delicate in speech, quaint in array: conceited in all points.
In Courtly guiles a passing singular odd man,
For gallants a brave Mirror, a Primrose of Honour,
A Diamond for nonce, a fellow peerless in England.
Not the like discourser for Tongue, and head to be found out,
Not the like resolute man for great and serious affairs,
Not the like Lynx to spy out secrets and privities of States,
Eyed like to Argus, eared like to Midas, nos'd like to Naso,
Winged like to Mercury, fittest of a thousand for to be employed:
This, nay more than this, doth practise of Italy in one year.
None do I name, yet some do I know, that a piece of a twelve month
Hath so perfited outly and inly, both body, both soul,
That none for sense and senses half matchable with them.
A vulture's smelling, Ape's tasting, sight of an Eagle,
A Spider's touching, Hart's hearing, might of a Lion.
Compounds of wisdom, wit, prowess, bounty, behaviour,
All gallant virtues, all qualities of body and soul:
O thrice ten hundred thousand times blessed and happy,
Blessed and happy travail, TRAVAILER most blessed and happy.

Tell me in good sooth, doth it not too evidently appeare, that this
English Poet wanted but a good PATTERNE before his eyes, as it might
be some delicate, and choyce elegant Poesie of good M. Sidneys, or M.
Dyers (ouer very Castor, & Pollux for such and many greater matters)
when this trimme geere was in hatching: Much like some Gentlewooman, I
coulde name in England, who by all Phisick and Physiognomie too, might
as well have brought forth all goodly faire children, as they have now
some ylfavoured and DEFORMED, had they at the tyme of their
Conception, had in sight, the amiable and gallant beautifull Pictures
of ADONIS, Cupido, Ganymedes, or the like, which no doubt would have
wrought such deepe impression in their fantasies, and imaginations, as
their children, and perhappes their Childrens children to, myght have
thanked them for, as long as they shall have Tongues in their heades

*****************************



The Irish hubbub, or, The English hue and crie




THE IRISH HVBBVB OR, THE ENGLISH HVE AND CRIE. BREIFELY PURSUING the base conditions, and most notorious offences of this vile, vaine, and wicked AGE. No lesse smarting then tickling. A merriment whereby to make the wise to laugh, and fooles to be angry.

By BARNABY RICH Gentleman, and Seruant to the Kings most excellent Maiestie.


Mounted aloft vpon the worlds great stage.
I stand to note the follies of this Age.

Malui me diuitem esse, quàm vocari.


To the discreet Reader.

THese harmelesse lines, that haue none ill intent,
I hope shall passe in mirth as they were meant:
I bring no strained stuffe, that might induce
A cloaked shift, or forge a coin'd excuse.
What I intend, is but to make you sport,
By telling truth, to please the wiser sort:
Truth is the marke that I haue aim'd at heere;
And I haue hit the white, and shot so neere,
That no deprauing tongue, nor wrangling sprite
*Can wrest awry, what I haue forg'd so right*.
For gald-backt Iades that stand in doubt and dread
Of being rubb'd, let them forbeare to read.
I wish these lines to their approoued wits,
Where reason rules, and wit with iudgement sits:
Where vertue guides, and wisdome swayes the minde,
Let these read on, and censure as they finde.
And what it is that I haue aim'd at now,
The wise may iudge; for fooles I care not how.
B. R.
(snip)


The lamentable teares of Heraclitus, bemoaning the vanities of his time, were now out of season, who would regard them? I thinke it therefore better to laugh with Democritus; for a litle mirth (they say) is worth a great deale of sorrow. But I thinke there be some will be angry if they be laughed at; and howsoeuer they incline themselues to follow the fooles fashion, yet they will not be mockt. But I will come ouer these fellowes with a prouerbe that many yeeres agoe I brought out of France, and thus followes the text: He that will make himselfe a sheepe, it is no matter though the Wolues doe eat him: and why should it not likewise follow, He that will make himselfe a foole, it is no matter who laughs at him.

I cannot thinke that since the first creation the world euer afforded so many monsters of men, nor so few modest women, as at this present age. And he that writes with an vpright conscience, must not flatter: and hee that doth behold the DEFORMED VANITIES that are euery day hatched vp, and brought to be in fashion, both in the Court, Citie, and Countrey, as well in England as Ireland, cannot chuse but laugh. Now if any one be angry at my plaine speeches, I know he wants either wit or honestie, and then it shall but augment my sport, and make mee to laugh the faster: for I am sure there is no man that is not an enemy to his owne discretion, but will thinke I haue spoken truth; and there is no good man but will approue what is lust: for fooles I care not.

(SNIP)

And now to begin my sport, I cannot chuse but giue the Hubbub, when I meet so many of my young Masters passing thorow the streets, attired so like strumpets, trickt vp in the harlots trimme, for all the world like a Seamsters maide new come out of the Royall Exchange. Mee thinks they should not sweare an oath but by Gods daintie: they are not worthy to carry the name of men, that are so farre in loue with their owne deformities, as I thinke of my conscience, if the soules of the deceased might looke downe from the heauens to behold the things that are done here vpon the earth, there be a number of parents that would be ashamed to see the vanities of their owne children, how farre they are estranged, both in forme, fashion, and condition, from the discipline of vertue, and the precepts which they themselues had bin educated and trained vp in. Our mindes are effeminated, our martiall exercises and disciplines of warre are turned into womanish pleasures and delights: our Gallants thinke it better spend their lands and liuings in a whores lap, then their liues in a martiall field for the honour of their Countrey. Wee haue conuerted the coller of steele to a yellow-starched band, the launce to a tobacco-pipe, the arming-sword and gantlet to a paire of perfumed gloues; wee are fitter for a Coach then for a campe, and our young Gallants are now become so wise in their owne conceits, that they will take vpon them to know all things, that doe not yet know themselues; and that which in former ages would haue beene accounted for a noisome and a malapert kinde of sawcinesse, that they ascribe to proceede from the viuacitie and quicknesse of wit: but he that should behold their courting complements when they bee in company amongst women, could not chuse but laugh and giue the Hubbub.
(SNIP)

I would I had now a chaire with a backe and a soft cushion, that I might sit mee downe to laugh at the whore-master: but especially at him that they call Senex Fornicator, an old Fishmonger, that many yeeres since ingrost the French pox, the which although he sometimes vsed to vent in secret amongst his friends; yet hee will not so disfurnish himselfe, but that he will reserue sufficient for his owne store, and the rather to conceale his commodity in priuate, and would not haue it to be openly knowen, he shelters them vnder strange deuised titles; sometimes he calls them the Gowt, sometimes the Sciatica, and thus disguising them vnder these false applyed names, he shamefully slandreth and belieth the pox.

There be some others yet of a better disposition, Note in marg: He shall not bee accounted a Gentleman, if that he doth not carry this marke of the... that doe detest this fraudulent manner of dealing, that when they haue made some pretty shift to get the pox, they do set them forth to open shew, and finding them to be sociable, familiar and conuersant amongst Knights and Gentlemen, will grace them with a wrought night cap, yet not in any deceitfull manner, whereby to couzen his Maiesties subiects, *but will so lay them open to euerie mans view, that you shall see their true pictures in diuers parts of the face*, but especially at the nose: he doth not so hide them, but you shall discerne them by his complexion, by his snuffling in his speech, his nose is commonly as flat as a bowling alley, by his very gate as hee passeth and repasseth by you. If a Dogge doth chance to hit him ouer the shinns with his taile, he cries Oh, and perhaps, raps out an oath or two.

(SNIP)

It is I that doe set that tongue, which by the right of creation should be the trumpet to sound forth the glorie of God, I doe make it the instrument to prophane and blaspheme his holy name; to sweare by his wounds, and by his bloud, by his heart, by his guts, by his side, by his body, by his soule.

Can any Diuell of hell shew himselfe to be more aduerse? Giue ouer therefore your further claimes, for the inheritance belongeth to me, it is I that am a bondslaue to the Diuell, a fire brand of hell, a wretch that is most accursed, it is I that am all this, and therefore it is I that must inherit.

Thus farre my Historie, and I thinke of my conscience this last of the three brethren had the best right to that his father had bequested, for amongst the sonnes of men, there is not a more accursed, then is the blasphemer.

But now it is accounted a Gentleman-like HUMOuR in him that can sweare ex tempore, for matters of no moment, and they say it is a signe of courage: but to speake the truth, it is a signe that hee is a reprobate wretch, forsaken of God, that doth vse it: and as his life is detestable, so his death will bee damnable.

What swearing and forswearing againe amongst Marchants, amongst Shop-keepers, and amongst all manner of Trades-men, in buying, in selling, in bargaining, in promise-making, and yet what little regard in the keeping of an oath? We sweare by the liuing Lord, by the power of God, the eternitie of God, the maiestie of God, the life, the death of God; then we diuide our God, to rend him in sunder with whole volleyes of oathes, as his heart, his bloud, his flesh, his
sides, his wounds, his hands, his nailes, his feet, his toes, and all the parts of his precious body: a wicked impudent age, that any people vnder the face of heauen should dare to presume thus to sweare and forsweare our selues, regarding not our oathes, hauing store of Gods iust iudgements on such wicked blaspheming wretches daily set before our eyes for examples vnto vs, and wee regard them not, neither amend our sinfull liues.

(SNIP)

I had thought here to haue ended my discourse, and to haue woond vp my merriment with this old perclose, And thus I bid you hartily farewell, the winding vp of euery ordinary letter, but as I was dipping my pen to haue taken vp inke, I heard a muttering of mens voices, as they were passing through the streets, and looking out at a window, I saw foure young Roaring Boyes, that (I thinke) were new come from some Ordinarie, the one with a coloured feather in his hat; the other I marked well, had a long lowsie locke hung dangling by his eare, like a Derry Irish Glybei: the third was in a yellow starcht band, that made him to looke as if he had bin troubled with the yellow iaundis: the fourth had a short sword, like that which we were wont to call an Ale-house Dagger, and that was trussed close to his side with a scarfe; they were all foure in white bootes, and gilt spurres, and they were consulting as they went along, how they might spend the afternoone: The one gaue his verdict to go see a Play: a second aduised rather to goe to Tables or Cards, two against two for a quart or two of sacke: the third thought it better, that they might goe recreate themselues a litle in a bawdy house: but the fourth sware a great oath, that if they would go with him, he would bring them to the best pipe of Tobacco, that euer came out of the West Indies.

This was the man to whom they all assented, the very sound of A pipe of Tobacco, made them all to run, as Swine to the draffe, when they heare the Maide begin to knocke
vpon the end of the Hogs trough. They say the Welchmen came all running out of Heauen, when they heard one without the gate, crying, Gasse bobby, Gasse bobby; but I thinke our Englishmen would run as fast into Hell, if they did but heare a voice crying out, A pipe of Tobacco.

But away these Gentlemen went together, and I began to wonder how a filthy stinking Antidote could so bewitch men to forget themselues.

In former ages, Gentlemen and Knights at their merry meetings were wont to spend the time in honest recreation; sometimes in gaming, or other pleasant sporting; sometimes in manly exercises, and indeuours of actiuitie; sometimes in braue discoursings, in matters of wit and learning; but how there is no musick pleasing, but the pot, and the Tobacco pipe.

O base conditioned time, is wit so farre spent amongst Knights and Gentlemen, that they can imploy it to no better indeuours, but to imitate that abuse, which is so common with euery Ostler, with euery Tapster, with euery Tinker, with euery Costermonger, with euery Horse-boy: and to conclude, that is in such vse and custome with euery rogue and rascall.

Me thinks the very community should make knowne the vanity: for vertue was neuer knowne yet to be imbraced by the multitude.

(SNIP)

Humours and affections haue a great hand ouer vs, and they doe both place and displace Reason at their pleasure, and where Affection doth hold the Seat and Scepter in the Castle of the Minde, they may gesse at many things, as they are led by opinion, but of very few according to truth: for where the heart is possest with any vehement affection, there Reason is exempt from his proper office, and their iudgement may easily be mistaken, and there is no contending against them, amongst whom Opinion is of such force, as Reason is of no force.

***************************

To draw no envy, SHAKSPEARE, on thy name,
Am I thus ample to thy book and fame ;
While I confess thy writings to be such,
As neither Man nor Muse can praise too much.
'Tis true, and all men's suffrage. But these ways
Were not the paths I meant unto thy praise ;
For seeliest ignorance on these may light,
Which, when it sounds at best, but echoes right ;
Or blind affection, which doth ne'er advance
The truth, but gropes, and urgeth all by chance ;
Or crafty malice might pretend this praise,
And think to ruin where it seemed to raise.
These are, as some infamous bawd or whore
Should praise a matron ; what could hurt her more ?
But thou art proof against them, and, indeed,
Above the ill fortune of them, or the need.
I therefore will begin: Soul of the age!
The applause ! delight ! the wonder of our stage!
My SHAKSPEARE rise !

******************************


O base conditioned time, is wit so farre spent amongst Knights and Gentlemen, that they can imploy it to no better indeuours, but to imitate that abuse, which is so common with euery Ostler, with euery Tapster, with euery Tinker, with euery Costermonger, with euery Horse-boy: and to conclude, that is in such vse and custome with euery rogue and rascall.

Me thinks the very community should make knowne the vanity: *for vertue was neuer knowne yet to be imbraced by the multitude*. - B Rich

*******************************
Jonson, Timber


Indeed, the multitude commend writers as they do fencers or wrestlers,
who if they come in robustiously and put for it with a deal of
violence are received for the braver fellows; when many times their
own rudeness is a cause of their disgrace, and a slight touch of their
adversary gives all that boisterous force the foil. But in these
things the unskilful are naturally deceived, and judging wholly by the
bulk, think rude things greater than polished, and scattered more
numerous than composed; nor think this only to be true in the sordid
multitude, but the neater sort of our gallants; for all are the
multitude, only they differ in clothes, not in judgment or
understanding.

***************************

Jonson, Volpone (intro)

...But let Wise and Noble Persons take heed
how they be too credulous, or give leave to these invading
Interpreters to be over-familiar with their Fames, who cunningly, and
often, utter their own virulent Malice, under other Mens simplest
Meanings. As for those that will (by Faults which Charity hath rak'd
up, or common Honesty conceal'd) make themselves a Name with the
Multitude, or (to draw their rude and beastly Claps) care not whose
living Faces they intrench with their petulant Styles, may they do it
without a Rival, for me: I chuse rather to live GRAV'D in Obscurity,
than share with them in so PREPOSTEROUS a FAME.

***************************

Formal Deformity

They haue found out new mines of new fashions. There is nothing more formall in these dayes then Deformitie it selfe.
(snip)
As for the humorous they haue beene alredie brought to the stage, where they haue plaide their partes, Euerie man in his humour.

B. Riche





Barnabe Rich
FAVLTES FAVLTS, And nothing else but FAVLTES.

AT LONDON Printed for Ieffrey Chorleton, and are to be sold at the great North doore of Paules Church. 1606.

(snip)

A Figge for all that Enuie can inuent,
On fearefull steps true honour neuer treades,
I come not to implore Lucina's helpe,
To bring my Muse a bed with fantasies,
Nor steale Iiestes in cloudes to make you game,
Nor do I seeke by gawdes to purchase fame.



I wade into the world as one vnknowne;
Yong in disguise, and yet in yeares more ripe:
I can discerne an Ape, though clad in silke,
And temper wit sometimes to serue a turne.
To what imprission I haue wrought it now,
The wise may iudge, for fooles I care not how.

(snip)

The world is growne to that passe, that we can laugh at our owne imperfections in another, but we cannot see them in our selues. It should seeme we are better sighted a farre off, then we be nigh at hand: for at home we be as blind as Moales, but abroad we haue as many eyes as Argus. The sum of all is, there is nothing more displeasing vnto vs, then to be told of our owne faults: and nothing better pleasing again, then to heare of other mens: The world is growne to this passe, and he that seeketh not to please the world, shall neuer thriue in the world, and he that studieth to please all, spendeth his time in vaine.

And although I haue not endeuoured my selfe in framing an Idea of Vtopian perfections; yet I haue aduentured to graspe at abuse, but vnder generalities in such sort, as I haue not aymed at any one man particularly, neither to open his shame, nor yet to blazon his infamie.

Note in marg: Please all please none. If any man shall seeke to wrest my generalities to any priuate application, they should doe mee wrong, when I haue not sought so much as to blast any mans good name; I haue shadowed follies, but yet vnder couert tearmes, and I haue ouerpassed many things in silence, because the world is giuen to see too much.

Note in marg: If men will misconster, the fault is theirs. We imitate the Disciples of Theodorus, who complained that his Schollers were accustomed (how plainely soeuer he spoke) yet still to misconster him, and howe expressely soeuer he could write, they would yet wrest his sense and meaning to their owne expositions. There is nothing well said, that is not rightly vnderstood; neither is there anie thing well done, that is wrongfully interpreted.

Note in marg: A gauld Iade. If anie man vpon a guiltie conscience should find himselfe agreeued, the fault is not mine, mee thinkes it were better for him to amend his misse, then to publish his shame.

Note in marg: They haue found out new mines of new fashions. There is nothing more formall in these dayes then Deformitie it selfe. If I should then begin to write, according to the time, I should onely write of new fashions, and of new follies that are now altogether in fashion, whereof there are such aboundant store, that I thinke they haue got the Philosophers stone to multiplie, there is such a dayly multiplicitie both of follies, and fashions.

In diebus illis, Poets and Painters, were priuiledged to faine whatsoeuer themselues listed: but now, both Poet and Painter, if he be not the Tailors Ape, I will not giue him a single halfepenie for his worke: for he that should either write or paint, if it be not fitte in the new fashion, he may go scrape for commendation, nay they will mocke at him, and hisse at his conceit.

Note in marg: Preuention. But amongst an infinite number of faults, I am not yet resolued with which of them I should beginne, nor what text I might first take in hand, and it may be, some will therfore taxe me to haue but little witte: and no force, let them not spare, I will bee afore-hand with some of them, there is a figure with the Logitians, they call it Prolepsis, or Preuention, and I learned it long agoe, of the Boy that taught his mother to call whoore first. And I will now sitte in iudgement of all those that my memorie can readily produce, and I doubt not, but to bee afore hande with some of them.

Note in marg: Iestmonger. As for the humorous they haue beene alredie brought to the stage, where they haue plaide their partes, Euerie man in his humour.

(snip)

But see here a companie now presenting themselues, that I cannot say are affected, but I thinke are rather infected with too much courtesie; you
shall know them by their salutations. For *first with the kisse on the hand*, the bodie shall be bowed downe to the ground: then the armes shall bee cast out, like one that were dauncing the old Antike, not a word but, at your seruice, at your commaund, at your pleasure: this olde protestation, Yours, in the way of honestie, is little cared for: euerie Gull was woont to haue it at his tongues end, but now it is forgotten. And these Flowres of courtesie, as they are full of affectation, so they are no lesse formall in their speeches, full of fustian phrases, many times deliuering such sentences as doe bewray and lay open their maisters ignorance: and they are so frequent with the kisse on the hand, that a word shall not passe their mouthes, till they haue clapt their fingers ouer their lippes. But he that is so full of creeping, and crowching, either hee meanes not well, or his wit will not serue him to meane well, for this common affabilitie, dooth lightly bring with it an ill intent, and but according to the Prouerbe, Much courtesie, much craft.

***************************

Harvey, Speculum Tuscanismi

Since Galatea came in, and Tuscanism gan usurp,
Vanity above all: villainy next her, stateliness Empress
No man but minion, stout, lout, plain, swain, quoth a Lording:
No words but valorous, no works but womanish only.
For life Magnificoes, not a beck but glorious in show,
In deed most frivolous, not a look but Tuscanish always.
His cringing side neck, eyes glancing, fisnamy smirking,
With FOREFINGER KISS, and brave embrace to the footward.

Othello: Act 2, Scene 1

IAGO [Aside.]
167 He takes her by the palm: ay, well said,
168 whisper: with as little a web as this will I
169 ensnare as great a fly as Cassio. Ay, smile upon
170 her, do; I will gyve thee in thine own courtship.
171 You say true; 'tis so, indeed: if such tricks as
172 these strip you out of your lieutenantry, it had
173 been better you had not KISSED your three FINGERS so
174 oft, which now again you are most apt to play the
175 sir in. Very good; well kissed! an excellent
176 courtesy! 'tis so, indeed. Yet again your fingers
177 to your lips? would they were CLYSTER-pipes for your sake!

***************************
Rich, (con't)

Heere comes a spruce fellow now, and if hee be not alied to the Fantasticke, yet I am sure the foole and he are so neare a kinne, that they can not marrie, without a Licence from the Pope. Would ye knowe who it is? Mary sir, it is a Traveller, not of those sort that endeuor their trauels, but of purpose to growe into the hieway of Experience, for the better seruice of their Prince or Country: but of those whipsters, that hauing spent the greatest part of their patrimony in prodigality, wil giue out the rest of their stocke, to be paid two or three for one, vpon their returne from Rome, from Venice, from Constantinople, or some other appoynted place. These fellowes in their iourneying doe so empty themselues of the little witte they carryed out, that they can make no better return than their mindes full fraught with farre fetcht follies, and their heades ouer burthened with too many outlandish vanities; if at his returne he hath but some few foolish Phrases in the French, Spanish, or Italian language, with the Baselos manos, the Ducke, the Mump, and the Shrugge, it is enough; for they take much trauell vpon them, to see fashions, but none at all, to learne vertue: This is a strange kinde of travell, to make profession, to loose their credite at home, to learne follies abroade. What trust can there be in a traueller, who is stil watching for a winde, whose feete are euer fleeting, whose faith plighted on the shoare, is turned to periurie when they hoyse saile?

Note in marg: Trauailers may well speake of wonders. Travellers are priuileged to lie, and at their returne, if they doe hitte into a company that neuer trauelled towards the South Pole, beyond Gads hill, you shall heare them speake of wonders, his talke shall be of Lawes, and Customs, Prouinciall, and Politique. What ciuilitie doth abound in the partes where he hath beene, hee will tell how conuersant he hath beene with great Princes, and how prouident he hath found them in gouerning their estates; & almost at euery pause that he hath drawen his speach to a full period, the next straine shall beginne with this Duke, or that Prince: So that Dukes and Princes are as rife at his tongues end, as, What lacke you sir? or, What would you haue bought? is to a prentise of Cheapeside.

****************************

Arundel and Howard similarly proclaim Oxford's untruthfulness at table , his "ordenarye use to lie for the whetstone in the worst degree' - the whetstone being a traditional prize in a lying contest. "Let these examples plede', writes Arundel:
- that the cobblers wyves of Millaine, are more richlie dressed everie workeinge daye then the Qwene on Christmas daye
- that but for the comminge of Beningefeld (Thomas Bedingfield) and the Duke of Alvaes (Ferdinand de Toledo's ) perswation rather to omitted the service then forsake his cuntrie he had surpriseid Bommle witness my Lord Howard of Effinhham, Lord Henry Francis Southwell Walter Ralegh and my self.
- that yf my Lord (Charles? Henry?) Howard had not in the Quenes name called him a waye by letter, he had bin *governer of Millayne* (MILAN),
Henry Howard Walter Ralegh Francis Southwell Harrye Burroughe Robinson.
- that he was in the waye to genoa with 3000 horsees a 10000 foteman to take it for the Kinge of Spayne by Don Iones (John's) direction when the Cardinall Moron toke upp the matter
- that he was proffered ten thousand powndes a yere by the Pope and more by Kinge Phillipp at NAPALES.
- That the cownetess of Mirondola came fiftie miles to lie with him for loves
- That the Qwene of Navare sent a messenger to desire him to speke with him in her chamber
- That St Markes churche is paveid at Venice with diamowntes and rubies
- That a merchant in Geane (Genoa) hathe a Mantell of a chimney of more price then all the treasure of the Towre
- That he *red the reathorick lecter publikelie* in sermies (? sermons) preached at Strosbreke (Strasbourg)
Here is a potpourri: denigrations of the Queen and her wealth; boasts of military prowess thwarted by the Queen; TRAVELLERS' tales; sexual braggadocio; and boasts of intellectual prowess. (_Monstrous Adversary_ Alan H. Nelson)

*****************************

Barnabe Rich, (con't)...

We haue in these dayes varietie of Scutchins, sundrie sorts of Armes, multiplicitie of dignities and honourable titles, but true Nobilitie is it that springeth from Vertue.

Salust writing to Cicero, vpbraided him to be discended from a base kinde of people, but himselfe was extracted from a noble progenie: to whome Cicero made answer, that Salust indeede was discended of noble rase, but he was the first that had debased the Nobilitie of his house. And for himselfe he was discended (indeed) from a people of obscure condition, but yet he was the first Gentleman of his stocke.

There is nothing to counterpeise the ballance of a noble name, but how many little worthy persons haue there beene in times past, that woulde faine haue gone currant for six shillings eight pence; yet if they had beene brought to the ballance, they would haue weighed too light by a great deale more than the common allowance of two graines, but if they had bin tried by the touch, we might well haue said, All is not golde that glisters.

(Note in marg: That greatnes to be commended that consisteth in goodnesse). The title of Nobilitie to a good man is of great excellencie; but to an ill man, of no lesse infamie.

It is likely that good should come of good, and vertue is most succeeding in noble blood, and the worthinesse of honourable ancestors craueth a reuerend regard to be had in their posteritie.


Honourable Nobilitie is fittest to counsaile kings, and to take vpon them the great affairs of the state· Our Noble men are inflamed with the desire of glorie and renowne, and the inferiour sort doe thinke themselues most happie and blessed, when they are gouerned by the wisedome and vertue of Noble personages, that commonly manage their authoritie with magnificence, for as it is witnessed in the Prouerbs, Note in marg: Prou. 29. Where righteous men are in authoritie, the people reioyce: but where the wicked beare rule, the people sigh.

Note in marg: Nobilitie fittest to counsel kings. Honourable Nobilitie is then most fit to counsell a king, and the care and studie of good Counsailors is still to endeuour those things that shall concerne the honour of God, the preseruation of the Kings royall person, and the furtheraunce of the good and benefite of the common-wealth: and in the middest of their most weighty affaires, not to leane too much to the pollicies of worldly wicked men, that they impugne the wisedome and pollicie ordayned and decreed by the Almightie himselfe.

*****************************
Squared out his plays by the rule of his own wit - self-love